Through the Looking-Glass

[theodor_gylden]

[an early morning exchange, at the table for tea]
Theo: *blinking and sleepy*
Henrik: *amused* You're a very owl.
Theo: I dislike waking early. I dislike waking at all, in fact, without tea; bring me tea.
Henrik: *grins* Yes, sir. Should I bring you your smoking-jacket as well, master?
Theo: I do not /have/ a smoking jacket; the tea will be sufficient. And bread. Do we have bread, or merely almost-bread?
Henrik: We have merely almost-bread, but I believe Mr Morgan's shop has proper bread. Shall I fetch some for you? *pointed* Sir?
Theo: *scowls at him, but it's all early morning surliness underscored by ostensible politeness* I would be grateful, in fact, but later in the day. I will take almost-bread with mushroom jam.
Henrik: *in case his meaning has been mistaken* An 'if you please' wouldn't go amiss.
Theo: /If/ you please.
Henrik: Very well, tyrant; tea, bread, and mushroom jam it shall be. *offers tea*
Theo: I have not begun to tyrannize you -- *but taking the tea* Thank you.
Henrik: Were you as congenial by day as you are in the mornings, we'd have a second Napoleon.
Theo: You are not going to make me more congenial to you by mocking my height.
Henrik: Your height had gone completely out of my head--but now that you mention it, the comparison is apt.
Theo: Lout.
Henrik: *affectionately* Darling.

[beginning on the streets of London, ending in an armchair]
Theo: Might an Egyptian connection be further pursued? One son of Horus does guard the dead from hunger. http://fallenlondon.com/c/253232
Henrik: If you like, I shall scour the booksellers' shops for references--although I do not expect to find them.
Might I discover such works among the anarchists' contraband, do you think?
Theo: You might; anarchists support anything that irritates the Masters, and the Masters must be irritated by any mention of Egypt.
Have a care that you do not find yourself in prison again, or obligated to enact an offence that would disquiet either your conscience or my concern for your safety.
Henrik: I will be as cautious as though I were guarding your life.
Theo: You are, for my well-being is united with yours. Thank you for heeding me.
Henrik: I'm sorry for having teased you, this morning. It was cruel of me.
Theo: No, I ... am not disinclined to be teased by you. It seems, to me, to convey a degree of familiarity that I may then return.
But if we must exchange apologies, I apologize for ordering you and calling you a lout. *blush*
Henrik: May I say that you charm me utterly, before you've had your tea?
Theo: I would think you mad beyond redemption. I am the least sociable creature in the world before tea -- not even man, but creature --
Henrik: And yet so naked in your wants and sensibilities!
Theo: I should be more charming with my sensibilities clothed and civilized.
Henrik: You know that I cannot agree, my dear. I love the sight of you unclothed far too well.
Theo: *immediateblush* -- You mean my sensibilities.
Henrik: *laughs* If it pleases you to think I mean it.
Theo: *looks about for a moment, then pulls Henrik down by the collar for a quick-but-biting kiss* Lout.
Henrik: *a pleasant little shudder* Is this that invitation to familiarity of which you spoke?
Theo: *levelly* If you would be inclined.
Henrik: Entirely inclined.
Theo: Then follow me. If you please.
Henrik: *follows after him, and if he grips Theodor's shoulder a bit too hard or reaches for his waist on the way--he is not particularly concerned*
Theo: *and as soon as they've returned to their rooms, will push Henrik into a chair and crawl into his lap to kiss him close to senseless*
Henrik: *he hasn't heretofore had occasion to discover how he loves kissing like this; he can entertain the illusion that Theodor is taller than he*
Theo: *fists a hand in Henrik's hair and pulls him back to accommodate the difference, holding him there until their lips are chapped and raw*
Henrik: *by which time he will have his hands lodged beneath Theodor's waistcoat, his own ascot dislodged* What brought on this sudden affection?
Theo: *a little breathless and rough* That you are sweet and obedient even as we tease one another.
Henrik: *leans up to bite him--not even a pretense of kissing* I should have known; you took too readily to being called 'sir'--
Theo: *a nip in return* And you to calling me it.
Henrik: If you wish me to serve you, darling, you've only to ask it. *untucks his shirt so as to slip his hands under that, as well*
Theo:*shivers, loosening his grip on Henrik's hair to card his fingers through it, framing his face* I might wish to award you for your service.
Henrik: *utterly guileless* Instruct me, sir.
Theo: *will peel him from his clothes, whispering instructions as he does, sinking to to the floor to award him for taking them so well ~*

[a late night conference, in rooms above a bookshop]
Henrik: Welcome home, darling. Whatever happened to your clothes ...? Are you well?
Theo: I will require tinctures, I think, and salve for the bites, and -- I have the most curious feeling of absence and darkness --
But other than that, I am well. Good -- evening? Is it evening?
Henrik: Let's call it evening. I'll fetch my supplies-- *is Narciso still knocking about?*
Theo: I saw night come and go, and wondered whether it was true that people have lived whole lives in honey-dreams and returned to find everyone they knew and loved has gone -- I've no notion of how much time has truly passed. Minutes? Weeks? *but putting that aside* Thank you, love.
*Narciso's probably lazing in Henrik's room*
Henrik: You've been gone a day--no more than that. Any new lines on my face are from worry rather than age. *kisses him, and offers a tincture*
*it occurs to him that he should mention* Narciso's here. He and Merri had a terrible fight.
Theo: *prepared to down the whole bottle -- but restrains himself to a sip* Indeed? I don't think I've ever known them to fight on any subject ...
Are you certain it's been a day?
Henrik: Perhaps slightly more than a day; I'd only noticed your absence for a day. *kisses his brow* Where did you go?
Theo: Behind the mirror, in the -- Marches. That's what the leopard called them. He had the voice of a tortoiseshell cat I'd met in the Flit.
Henrik: Merri had spoken of visiting them ... what did you find, there?
Theo: So many things -- ! I The Trapped King, the parabola, the process by which stone becomes wood and wood stone, and they are fighting a war --
A war with fire and water. Have you ever sworn allegiance to the Beleaguered King, and been asked for the fire the Masters use in battle?
Henrik: I have, actually. What does that import?
Theo: It imports the Masters' alignment in the war -- if it is, indeed, a question of alignment, of opposed but complementary and dynamic forces.
Henrik: I have been thinking over and over again of the voice of the thunder--I am now quite convinced that it is the voice of God.
Theo: And in the wake of thunder -- the rain, the floods. Water. Is the war, then, the war the Masters wage with God?
Henrik: God has wielded both fire and water--he has promised, though (and you will remember the import of it) not to destroy us with water again.
Theo: *mouths quietly* It is as we were promised --
Henrik: *a very light kiss* We'll be vigilant for future indications or confirmations. Until then--take tea with us, darling. Or with me.
Theo: I fear I am still not quite hale; when I left the Marches I had a horse-head amulet clutched to my chest and superstitious though it may be I do believe I would be dead without it.
Henrik: Darling--let me nurse you. You were very brave, and very foolish, and I need to put you to rights so that I can be sure you're whole.
Theo: I ... may need you near me. The Marches were incredible, everything amber and lush and filled with light -- London looks pale, distant.
I need you to remind me I've returned ... I'm not seeing all this through a frame ...
Henrik: *a longer kiss* What do you need? My conversation? My body? The sight of my face? I want to ease you--
Theo: Any of them. All. Your presence. And Narciso's, I suppose, if he is here -- but yours especial --
Henrik: He's here; he wants very much to delight you. *strokes the back of Theodor's neck* Shall we eat together? Play at cards? *kiss* Go to bed?
Theo: Dinner would be ... sufficient, I think. There were such fruits there -- heavy plums, grapes redder than red honey -- but the more I ate, the more I hungered, and a grape-seed grew in my throat and choked me -- I woke up on the floor of the jungle, a beetle like the beetles on the mahagony frame hovering above me --
Henrik: Shh--you're here now. I'll send across the street for a meal, and we'll eat it on the floor like savages and discuss replacing my chair.
*steps out to request a mushroom and potato pie from the place across the street*

[in the Marches and mirrors, in madness]
Theo: How -- ? http://fallenlondon.com/c/246365
Henrik: A waking dream?
Theo: A postcard from Fallen London: http://fallenlondon.com/c/246370
Izzy: Are you all right? Are the hellgrammites crawling in your head again?
Henrik: Where are you?
Theo: I do not know. It has never happened to me before -- and yet, I did feel, upon returning from the Marches that I had never left, that I was viewing London through a frame -- but I was nowhere near the carnival! How am I here?
Theo: I am in the Marches. Aren't I? I see the jungle, the tangled frames -- http://fallenlondon.com/c/246385
The roses. http://fallenlondon.com/c/246388
And I thought I heard water -- but God, this is mad. How can I be /here/? http://fallenlondon.com/c/246399
Izzy: I've gone through the same strangeness! I have bad nightmares, and suddenly the reflections...
Theo: And the light -- it must be because of the light. Do you remember it, too?
Izzy: Sticky! Greasy and rotting. Unclean, how can light be so Unclean?
Theo: I did not understand it -- and that is why I could not forget it, why it lingered whenever I closed my eyes.
London must be through one of these frames, must it not? There is water, water and fire -- http://fallenlondon.com/c/246435
This frame, twisted with black iron thorns. I did not even touch it! http://fallenlondon.com/c/246442
A church, incense -- I can taste wine without drinking it. What /are/ these frames? http://fallenlondon.com/c/246458
Henrik: Are they dreams? Are you looking into /dreams/?
Theo: I could be -- when last I came, I saw the Beleaguered King through one, and I have seen him nowhere but in my dreams.
In another, I was kissing someone I should not have kissed, and the kiss was a betrayal --
Henrik: When I took red honey, there was an endless, stolen kiss--but you must not think on betrayal. You are incapable of betrayal.
Theo: But I knew it was a betrayal -- I did not know who it was, who I was -- but I knew it was wrong, clearer than daylight.
Was the conviction someone else's? Was I in their dream, as you were in someone's memory?
Henrik: It is possible; we cannot discount it.
Theo: ... Where am I? Is it London? Is it real ... ? http://fallenlondon.com/c/246495
Izzy: Real enough to work with!
Theo: *a thin smile* It must suffice. Thank you.

[another late night]
Henrik: Have your hurts been treated, my dear? Is there anything more I can do?
Theo: I ... am better than I might have been, were it not for everyone's attention. And because I knew what flowers exhale poison, what fruits were restorative, and what birds to follow for water, I could navigate the Marches without suffering more than a cut.
Are you well?
Henrik: *a little more quietly* Mr Morgan and I got very drunk last night; my head's been pounding all day. I should've been more attentive to you.
Theo: That is not what I meant ... *but takes a moment to refocus, reconnect* You were as attentive as I would ask. But it occurred to me that I might have ... frightened you, in the course of my own panic, and for that I would apologize.
Henrik: You did. *takes his hands, and kisses each of them in turn* You mustn't apologize, though. Your fear wasn't an affront to me.
Theo: Perhaps not. *looking down at his hands (one bandaged) as Henrik kisses them* But I hope that whatever fear I gave you might be eased ...
And that your head might be eased, too. Does it trouble you still?
Henrik: I've slept, and that eased me--I dreamed of a sea covered over with fire and ice, but at least my head is clearer. *kisses his brow*
Theo: I looked through a frame and was beneath the sea -- beneath the sea, in a glass chamber, or a bubble of steam --
*but leans sudden and heavy on Henrik's chest -- he is not there -- he is here --*
Henrik: *clings to him fiercely* We're safe, my dear; we will not be destroyed by fire or water--
Theo: We will not? I was not? That is what I fear, that is what moved me to panic -- that in reality I am destroyed and do not, cannot, know --
Henrik: *a little desperately* How can I show you that you haven't?
Theo: Only hold me.
Henrik: *holds him, then--and if they're at home, will draw him to bed to hold him there*
Theo: *curls into him and kisses him, a long and aching kiss*
Henrik: *strokes his back, as though to chafe living warmth into him* We're here, my dear, in our own bed, in our own rooms--we're safe.
Theo: *closes his eyes -- everything is still too dim to be real -- and focuses instead on how solid Henrik feels, how sure his hands*
Henrik: *slowly, that chafing touch becomes a deep, thorough massage--Henrik's hands are untrained, but careful and firm*
Theo: *he'll find tight knots of tension that Theodor didn't know he held until the relief of letting them go -- and that, too, assures him*
Henrik: *when he has worked over Theodor's back as thoroughly as he can, Henrik will rest his cheek against Theodor's brow* I love you.
Theo: *soft* And I you. Thank you. I ... do not know how I have let circumstances affect me so, but you have done much to relieve me.
Henrik: We can't help falling into our nightmares, now and then--and so we must bear each other up, when we fall.
Theo: The Marches themselves are incredible -- I see so much, and so much is significant -- the scarred trunk of a tree will show the Correspondence, the frieze in a temple a perfect parabola, great cats will stop to speak with you and there are orchids like lanterns --
I would that I could share it with you. But since I cannot, I am grieved more when I return and everything real seems so faraway and pale.
Henrik: *a light kiss* When we return to the surface, we'll go to the Amazon--the Indies--the Alps. Such beauty is /real/, and we'll share it.
Theo: If it is with you ... I can never deny that you are real. That is why I need you to hold me.
Henrik: When you wish to be held, I'll always hold you, and gladly--I never sleep so well as I do with you in my arms, or curled on me like a cat--
Theo: I cannot say how grateful I am -- I do not have the words. Yet I still must thank you.
Henrik: The kind of thanks that is also an apology?
Theo: *wry* You know that I have difficulty distinguishing between them.
Henrik: Even as you see how it pleases me, to have you close and to offer you comfort?
Theo: I feel that I am nevertheless taking something from you -- something that I do not, objectively, deserve.
Henrik: You have taken from me--taken a part of myself, and a part that I cherish. But I have a similar part of you, and I must safeguard it.
For that sacrifice, and for your willingness to honour mine, you deserve every kindness that I can offer you.
Theo: I ... will remember. If I have, indeed, taken a part of you to value as my own, then in caring for me you are caring also for yourself --
And so I must accept care and kindness graciously.
Henrik: *a light kiss* It needn't all be grace. I like it when you snarl and squabble and berate me, too.
Theo: Do you?
Henrik: When I understood that you did it because you cared for me--then yes, I grew immensely fond of it. *kiss* Although I prefer firmer mastery.
Theo: There is a time and place for mastery. *a blush*
Henrik: And this is indeed the place, but not the time. *kisses his hair* Give me some credit; I /am/ sensible of that.
Theo: I do give you credit. *kisses his chin, in turn* And there are -- you must be aware -- times and places where I need ... not to be mastered ...
But to know that I belong to you. Would you say that I belong to you?
Henrik: With all my heart, yes, just as I belong to you. I will make what vows you require; share with you whatever ceremony you need, to prove it.
Theo: It suffices to hear it said. *with some embarrassment* I considered why, after you asked me if I felt neglected, I was certain I never had.
You compare me to a cat, curled on you to sleep -- and I have associated often enough with cats to know what they are like. Content to be aloof, and self-sufficient, until they desire attention, and then they demand it.
Said like that it is an unflattering comparison, but I do like imagining that I am yours in that if I have I need and express it, you will answer it; knowing that is a great source of security.
Henrik: And yet you refuse to express your needs to me! The closest you've ever given to a demand was that I hold you--and see, I won't let you go.
Theo: It was an earnest need.
Henrik: And you are so eager to meet my earnest needs--I hope that you will believe me when I express a desire to meet all such future needs.
Theo: Do you need anything?
Henrik: Only to see you recalled to the waking world.

[-- warnings for hurt/comfort, amorous relations in an armchair.]